I'm trying my hardest to get a grip on my emotions. It's been building up and I thought I was doing well pushing things behind me but last night I really lost it. There have been a handful of times in my life when everything just bubbles up and all I can do is cry out of desperation. So here I was, sitting in my sister's hospital room watching her sleep. And I'm crying uncontrollably. It wasn't anything that happened, or anything she said or did. It was all me. I had to leave. Dried off my tears, woke her up and told her I had to go because I was tired. As I was leaving I had some pretty bad thoughts. But I made it home.
Now that I've had some time, some sleep, some food, and some conversations with friends, I'm able to think a bit. Thank God I can talk to friends who listen and love me.
I hate that my son and I don't get along. I don't know what he wants or expects. But I want his love and affection. I love him, even now. Why doesn't he love me? How can he ignore my birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day and yet call me on other days and chat with me for 30 minutes or more? It's not the material gifts I want - it's the acknowledgement that I matter in his life. Apparently I am nothing more than a superficial friend.
I truly feel insignificant. I have texted my nephews and receive zero response. Nothing when I send it, nothing the next day, nothing the entire week. It's as if I didn't send the text at all. Same thing with emails. I sent a text to one nephew when I was concerned about my sister. Not wanting to be alarming, I told him I was concerned and if he could call me. Did he respond? Was he concerned about his mom? I don't know, because he never acknowledged my text.
Am I so insignificant that it's okay to ignore me? Am I that unfriendly that it's okay to skip over anything I say or do? It all seems insignificant until they add onto each other and you then begin to think it isn't them, it's me that is the problem. After all I am single still and can't find a man to be with. Maybe I'm a piece of crap. Maybe I am so unlikable that no one wants me.
So yeah, I'm frustrated and upset and alone. Add my sister's surgery to that and well things are gonna overflow into a meltdown.
I am calmer now, but I still feel all these emotions just simmering around in my heart. I'm afraid. Should I go back to my shrink?