I don't know how you feel about me, but I can guess. You and I have had some major problems in our lives together. I tried my best and when I knew I wasn't doing well, I had to send you away. It wasn't easy and it continues to bring me great pain. But I knew that what we were doing at home was getting worse and I couldn't bear to see that. If I didn't love you so much, it would have been easy. Send you away and be done with you.
But I didn't want that. I wanted you home. I wanted to see you grow up, live, and enjoy being the person you'd eventually become. I missed that. I kept hoping you'd want to come back home, but you never did. I asked every time I saw you, and kept your room intact just in case you wanted to come home. But you didn't want to.
And so I've had to watch you grow up from afar. It breaks my heart when you wouldn't see or talk to me. You were bitter and I had to accept that and pray that one day we might have a better relationship. I just had to wait.
Recently we've grown closer. I love the times when you call and we talk while you are driving home. It's so nice to hear your thoughts on current events, people in your life, what you like and what bothers you. Yes I was frightened when you and your friends wanted to canoe during the Texas Safari, but I wanted to help and cheer you on. It was a lot of fun. I loved seeing you do something so adventurous. I'm quite proud of you.
But something was off between us. Sometimes we did talk about what has happened with us. Most of the time what you remember and what I remember are different. I usually end our calls by saying a quick "I love you, bye" but I have never heard you say it. I didn't bring it up, because, well I didn't want to hear you say you didn't love me. And so, I just kept it inside and hoped that maybe it was too soon and eventually you would love me. But you didn't.
Then there's the gifts. Or the lack of them. At first I reasoned that you didn't have the money to spend on gifts and so I kept that inside too. But year after year, Mother's Day, birthdays, and Christmas's pass and nothing. I give you gifts, but I don't get one. I tell myself that it's silly to be hurt over a material thing when we do talk and see each other. You have called and texted me greetings in the past. And one year, I remember you took me to dinner for Mother's Day. I remember one gift. But not this past year. That's what really hurt. I've even chided you about having Aunt Frances's birthday in your calendar, but not mine. Your response? "I know your birthday mom" And what happened on my birthday? Nothing. That hurt. Then I find out that Frances told you I noticed and gave you an excuse to use (text her on Oct12 and say you had it wrong, a terrible thing to suggest!) but you didn't do that. On Thanksgiving, someone mentioned missing my birthday and you said "my God, I can't believe you are still mad about that" um yeah! And "still"? When did you ever apologize about it? Believe me, I would remember, because it hurt so much I was looking for some apology each time we talked. It never happened.
So we all talk about Christmas and our Amazon wishlists. I buy your Christmas gifts then, thinking it would be easier to have them delivered instead of trying to meet up. I know you are exhausted from the academy. Plus, I didn't want to have that hurt again of not getting a gift from you. I bought your birthday gift too, but thought I'd send it in the mail since it wasn't heavy and to give some separation from Christmas.
Ever since my mom died, Christmas has changed for me. I tried to make it okay while you and Grace were home, but once y'all left I just stopped celebrating it. I do this to make it seem like any other day and hopefully I won't be so depressed. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. This year was not a good year. I thought I had insulated myself from being hurt, but that weekend I was feeling bad already. It may have been that car accident, I don't know. I skipped out on Christmas Eve service and just stayed home. Christmas came, Grace and Brandon called, but you didn't. It wasn't until after 4:30pm that you texted me. Then your response to me when I said I thought you had forgot me? You left your phone in the living room and then "cool that you want to be passive aggressive about it though" I was so angry and hurt. But I didn't want to say anything, so I kept that inside. So I rationalize things by thinking 'okay, gifts aren't important to him, I won't do gifts either and then I won't have to feel so hurt' I did send you a text, but nothing else. But then I find out that you bought Christmas gifts for your dad, Grace, and Brandon. Wow.
Then I was going to IKEA with Frances and Pat. I called to see if you might want to meet up. I tell you our plans and said if you weren't up to meeting then it would be okay but that I was up in your area and thought it might be nice to see you. I texted you when we got there, but you didn't reply. I figured you were busy or asleep. No problem, I know you have things to do on the weekend or maybe you just want to rest. So we shop, then stop for a snack of meatballs. Frances wasn't doing very well, so the rest was especially nice for her. You called and we talk about when you could come over and what we were doing. I said we were at the cafeteria and you got angry. I suppose you thought we skipped you, but we didn't. So you hung up. We were all quite puzzled about it, and talked about after we shopped more and then left to eat dinner. I wish you had joined us.
And so, here we are. You not talking to me. I thought I'd give you some space and eventually we'd talk again. But when I texted you to see if you wanted news about Fran's surgery and you didn't respond, I knew something was bothering you. Why am I letting all this bother me so much?
Then Frances tells me she talked to you about all this. You admit you are bad about giving gifts. But wait, you gave everyone else a gift... hmm. Things don't match up here.
When it's one or two things, I try to deal with it. But it's apparently more than a few things. I don't think you and I value our relationship the same. I can't keep feeling so hurt each holiday, I can't keep wishing something different. I can't keep going back for more, thinking it won't bother me. But it does.
I wish I had confronted you about all of this earlier. I wish I didn't have this depression that makes me so vulnerable. I tried, but I can't anymore.
I feel so insignificant to you. And so, it probably won't be a problem for you. But it is for me. I will always love you. Maybe one day you can explain why you treat me like this. Maybe I'll listen. But I can't now. I'm done.
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