I Will Love You Always

I don't know how you feel about me, but I can guess.  You and I have had some major problems in our lives together.  I tried my best and when I knew I wasn't doing well, I had to send you away.  It wasn't easy and it continues to bring me great pain.  But I knew that what we were doing at home was getting worse and I couldn't bear to see that.  If I didn't love you so much, it would have been easy.  Send you away and be done with you.  

But I didn't want that.  I wanted you home.  I wanted to see you grow up, live, and enjoy being the person you'd eventually become.  I missed that.  I kept hoping you'd want to come back home, but you never did.  I asked every time I saw you, and kept your room intact just in case you wanted to come home.  But you didn't want to.

And so I've had to watch you grow up from afar.  It breaks my heart when you wouldn't see or talk to me.  You were bitter and I had to accept that and pray that one day we might have a better relationship.  I just had to wait.  

Recently we've grown closer.  I love the times when you call and we talk while you are driving home.  It's so nice to hear your thoughts on current events, people in your life, what you like and what bothers you.  Yes I was frightened when you and your friends wanted to canoe during the Texas Safari, but I wanted to help and cheer you on.  It was a lot of fun.  I loved seeing you do something so adventurous.  I'm quite proud of you.

But something was off between us.  Sometimes we did talk about what has happened with us.  Most of the time what you remember and what I remember are different.  I usually end our calls by saying a quick "I love you, bye" but I have never heard you say it.  I didn't bring it up, because, well I didn't want to hear you say you didn't love me.  And so, I just kept it inside and hoped that maybe it was too soon and eventually you would love me.  But you didn't.  

Then there's the gifts.  Or the lack of them.  At first I reasoned that you didn't have the money to spend on gifts and so I kept that inside too.  But year after year, Mother's Day, birthdays, and Christmas's pass and nothing.  I give you gifts, but I don't get one.  I tell myself that it's silly to be hurt over a material thing when we do talk and see each other.  You have called and texted me greetings in the past.  And one year, I remember you took me to dinner for Mother's Day.  I remember one gift.  But not this past year.  That's what really hurt.  I've even chided you about having Aunt Frances's birthday in your calendar, but not mine.  Your response?  "I know your birthday mom"  And what happened on my birthday?  Nothing.  That hurt.  Then I find out that Frances told you I noticed and gave you an excuse to use (text her on Oct12 and say you had it wrong, a terrible thing to suggest!) but you didn't do that.  On Thanksgiving, someone mentioned missing my birthday and you said "my God, I can't believe you are still mad about that"  um yeah!  And "still"?  When did you ever apologize about it?  Believe me, I would remember,  because it hurt so much I was looking for some apology each time we talked.  It never happened.  

So we all talk about Christmas and our Amazon wishlists.  I buy your Christmas gifts then, thinking it would be easier to have them delivered instead of trying to meet up.  I know you are exhausted from the academy.  Plus, I didn't want to have that hurt again of not getting a gift from you.  I bought your birthday gift too, but thought I'd send it in the mail since it wasn't heavy and to give some separation from Christmas.

Ever since my mom died, Christmas has changed for me.  I tried to make it okay while you and Grace were home, but once y'all left I just stopped celebrating it.  I do this to make it seem like any other day and hopefully I won't be so depressed.  Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't.  This year was not a good year.  I thought I had insulated myself from being hurt, but that weekend I was feeling bad already.  It may have been that car accident, I don't know.  I skipped out on Christmas Eve service and just stayed home.  Christmas came, Grace and Brandon called, but you didn't.  It wasn't until after 4:30pm that you texted me.  Then your response to me when I said I thought you had forgot me?  You left your phone in the living room and then "cool that you want to be passive aggressive about it though"  I was so angry and hurt.  But I didn't want to say anything, so I kept that inside.  So I rationalize things by thinking 'okay, gifts aren't important to him, I won't do gifts either and then I won't have to feel so hurt'  I did send you a text, but nothing else. But then I find out that you bought Christmas gifts for your dad, Grace, and Brandon.  Wow.

Then I was going to IKEA with Frances and Pat.  I called to see if you might want to meet up.  I tell you our plans and said if you weren't up to meeting then it would be okay but that I was up in your area and thought it might be nice to see you.  I texted you when we got there, but you didn't reply.  I figured you were busy or asleep.  No problem, I know you have things to do on the weekend or maybe you just want to rest.  So we shop, then stop for a snack of meatballs.  Frances wasn't doing very well, so the rest was especially nice for her.  You called and we talk about when you could come over and what we were doing.  I said we were at the cafeteria and you got angry.   I suppose you thought we skipped you, but we didn't.  So you hung up.  We were all quite puzzled about it, and talked about after we shopped more and then left to eat dinner.  I wish you had joined us.  

And so, here we are.  You not talking to me.  I thought I'd give you some space and eventually we'd talk again.  But when I texted you to see if you wanted news about Fran's surgery and you didn't respond, I knew something was bothering you.  Why am I letting all this bother me so much?

Then Frances tells me she talked to you about all this.  You admit you are bad about giving gifts.  But wait, you gave everyone else a gift...  hmm.  Things don't match up here.

When it's one or two things, I try to deal with it.  But it's apparently more than a few things.  I don't think you and I value our relationship the same.  I can't keep feeling so hurt each holiday, I can't keep wishing something different.  I can't keep going back for more, thinking it won't bother me.  But it does.  

I wish I had confronted you about all of this earlier.  I wish I didn't have this depression that makes me so vulnerable.  I tried, but I can't anymore.  

I feel so insignificant to you.  And so, it probably won't be a problem for you.  But it is for me.  I will always love you.  Maybe one day you can explain why you treat me like this.  Maybe I'll listen.  But I can't now.  I'm done. 

A Balancing Act

I'm trying my hardest to get a grip on my emotions.  It's been building up and I thought I was doing well pushing things behind me but last night I really lost it.  There have been a handful of times in my life when everything just bubbles up and all I can do is cry out of desperation.  So here I was, sitting in my sister's hospital room watching her sleep.  And I'm crying uncontrollably.  It wasn't anything that happened, or anything she said or did.  It was all me.  I had to leave.  Dried off my tears, woke her up and told her I had to go because I was tired.  As I was leaving I had some pretty bad thoughts.  But I made it home.

Now that I've had some time, some sleep, some food, and some conversations with friends, I'm able to think a bit.  Thank God I can talk to friends who listen and love me. 

I hate that my son and I don't get along.  I don't know what he wants or expects.  But I want his love and affection.  I love him, even now.  Why doesn't he love me?  How can he ignore my birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day and yet call me on other days and chat with me for 30 minutes or more?  It's not the material gifts I want - it's the acknowledgement that I matter in his life.  Apparently I am nothing more than a superficial friend.

I truly feel insignificant.  I have texted my nephews and receive zero response.  Nothing when I send it, nothing the next day, nothing the entire week. It's as if I didn't send the text at all.  Same thing with emails.  I sent a text to one nephew when I was concerned about my sister.  Not wanting to be alarming, I told him I was concerned and if he could call me.  Did he respond?  Was he concerned about his mom?  I don't know, because he never acknowledged my text. 

Am I so insignificant that it's okay to ignore me?  Am I that unfriendly that it's okay to skip over anything I say or do?  It all seems insignificant until they add onto each other and you then begin to think it isn't them, it's me that is the problem.  After all I am single still and can't find a man to be with.  Maybe I'm a piece of crap.  Maybe I am so unlikable that no one wants me. 

So yeah, I'm frustrated and upset and alone.  Add my sister's surgery to that and well things are gonna overflow into a meltdown. 

I am calmer now, but I still feel all these emotions just simmering around in my heart.  I'm afraid.  Should I go back to my shrink?

Places Visited in the World

I forgot I had this blog.  So, in an effort to be creative, I'm going to try to write a bit.  I have a map of the states I've visited, but I didn't have one of the countries.  So without further ado, here it is...

Pretty sparse, I admit.  I love to travel, but apparently my desire and my actions are not the same.

After my cruise later this year, the map will be a little more colored, but since I'll be visiting islands, they will hardly be noticeable on this map.  But they will make a mark in my heart for sure.

Did you notice the difference?  ha!  me neither.  

what is a Block of the Month?

After reading the newsletters and surfing fabric shops online, I got interested in this BOM concept.  Apparently it's a program where you sign up to do an entire quilt in a specified time (usually a year, but could be 6 or 9 months too).  Each month you would receive instructions (and fabric too in some) for completing a block for the quilt.  So it's like quilting on an installment plan.  

This intrigued me.  I started looking at my local quilt shop.  They have several BOMs but they had already started, so that was out for me.  I don't know if they have 'catch up' blocks.  Online was next.  OMG was there a lot to choose from!   Many of the quilt shops will ship to you each month.   Trouble was then to find a pattern I liked.  

I found a BOM that was free (a great choice for me) on Craftsy.  This BOM is available to anyone anytime and you choose your own fabric.  The quilt is a sampler of different kinds of quilting methods in a modern style.  I really liked it and signed up for it immediately.  I have a set of fat quarters that I got cheap at Big Lots, so it's not a good quality material, but it will do.  the fabric is a bit oriental in reds and greens.  I am hoping it will look good.

Then I started reading more and found out that the instructor of the Craftsy BOM is starting another BOM called Sugar Block Club in 2013.   And it's only $7.95 for the entire year!  YES another BOM signed up.  Check out the fabrics I bought on Ebay for this one:

Russell's baby quilt

I don't know exactly when I made this but I'm guessing it was in 1990.  My daughter wasn't born until 1991, so it had to be before that.  I did a lot of flying between San Antonio and Albuquerque for work back then.  I took these small cross stitch blocks with me to keep me busy on the flights and at night when I'm in the hotel room.

I don't know why I layed out the blocks like I did.  I can't believe I didn't border the blocks all the way around.  What was I thinking???  It's horrible and I want to tear it apart and redo it.  I'm sure I just hand tied it instead of quilting, so it would be very easy to re-make.  

The blocks are darling, the quilt is horrible.  I'm so sorry you are seeing this, but I have to document the bad with the good. And this is bad.

Beginning Quilting class quilt

After I made the turning twenty and tumbler quilts, I decided to take a class.  In this class, we learned how to make several blocks and put them together in a quilt.  It's the perfect lap size quilt.  I used all Texas material. I also took a free motion quilting class, so I decided to try my hand at it on this quilt.  Most of the quilt is stitched in the ditch, but I free motion quilted the outer border.  I was happy with it, although I need a LOT more practice.

Grace's placemats

Now that the quilting bug has hit me, I decided to make a set of placemats for Grace.  Actually it sprang from a little handle hot pad to a set of hot pads, place mats, and a table runner.  I used a Bali Pop called Plum Pudding and love the batik fabric.  It was my first try at making mitered bindings, and I got better as I went along.

Tranqulity Pinwheels

This quilt pattern is called Vintage Modern Pinwheels from the Moda Bake Shop website.  I love the way the peachy/orange pinwheels pop from the Tranquility jelly roll fabric.  I used 2 jelly rolls to make this.  I bought the tan backing from A Thousand Bolts for a really great price.  I'm in the process of quilting it.

Woven Wildflowers

This is a queen size quilt called Woven Wildflowers.  I found the pattern at the Moda Bake Shop and fell in love with it when I saw it.  I had to buy 3 jelly rolls to finish it this large, but it is worth every penny I paid.  The jelly rolls were Moda's Wildflowers V.   I haven't quilted it yet; I'm still searching for a good backing material.

Red Fish Tumbler quilt

This quilt was a kit that I bought during the Quilt Across Texas shop hop.   I couldn't help but buy it since it was 40% off.  I pieced the backing together from a bolt I found on sale at my local quilt shop.  It's a twin size quilt.

I call it Red Fish because the red tumblers look like fish when you look at the quilt sideways, like so...

I should have done better at randomizing the tumblers, but I was too new at this quilting stuff.

I did manage to make a label.  I made the label and sent it off to Spoonflower and had a fat quarter printed, so now I can cut one out and sew it on the quilts I make easily.

Turning Twenty quilt

21 years later I decided to try quilting again.  This time it was for my son, Alan.  I picked out some manly colors for him.  It's an easy pattern.  For the backing, I cheated and bought a sheet in a light tan.

Fence Rail quilt

I made this quilt 21 years ago for my first baby.  It fits inside a playpen.  I did the backside in a soft shirting material.

7 years later

Wow, it's been 7 years since my last post.  Not that anyone really cares, but me.  I'm still single, still living in the same house, still working where I did.  Kids have grown and moved out (mostly) and I love hearing from them like any mom does.

I'm trying to retire from work with a disability retirement because of my depression.  When I get into a bad state, it keeps me down for a while before I really realize what's going on.  Even when I'm stable, I still have a hard time functioning. I'm just not all there like I used to be.

But I'm trying.

To Dallas and Back Again

I made a quick trip up to Frisco this weekend.  It was to meet Karen, a fellow LHC member and an all around nice gal. Her hubby, Smooch, and she flew down from Chicago and since she was in Texas I couldn't help but take advantage of the opportunity to meet her.   Teacherbear also came too.  She's a fun person as well, it always makes me smile to be in her company.  We would have drove together but I had to come back earlier than usual.  It made for a long drive without a friend to chat with.    For more on this trip, go to the LHC thread.
 
It was a fun time. I so wished I could have stayed longer, but I had to think of my kids and get back to them. I was so happy I drove there by myself and didn't need to call Teacherbear for directions. I warned her that I would if I got lost. I think the last time I went with LongHairedRennie we were talking too much and I missed seeing the tollway exit.
 
When I arrived at Bill's (who by the way is looking svelte!) Karen was sitting pretty in wax paper and pink heat cap. We smiled instantly and hugged each other a few times. I couldn't believe Karen's beautiful blue eyes! Her skin is soft and pale and her hair is so dark and lucious the combination makes her look like a china doll. She's precious!
 
I got Bill to measure me and trim my hair. Before was 42" and after was 39.5" It's now back to tailbone (he called it classic btw, weird huh?) and in the shape of a rounded square, if that makes sense.
 
We chatted a lot before Teacherbear arrived and before Bill had to work on her hair and put her under the dryer. I got a bunch of pics, but most are face shots, so I'll be sending them to Karen for her editing and posting if she pleases. After the comb out, we tried to take a shot of her flipping her hair back, but I was either too slow or too fast.  darn
 
After the GM treatment, we headed to Blue Mesa and their kooky sweet potato chips. I took an instant distaste for them, but in my grazing fashion I continued to munch on them and decided they indeed were good, but it has to grow on you. I left after meeting Smooch, who is a nice guy and sweet too. Karen's gift of the Lush stuff was a surprise and I'm going to use them soon. They smell so good!
 
I forgot about taking a group shot! Darn it all. But still it was a pleasure to meet Karen and of course Teacherbear too.
 
I came home to find my dog has had an encounter with a skunk! It was too late for a bath, so I had smelly dog in the house (I finally put him outside) and wound up with a headache. Bad smells make me sick.

The Great Conditioner Only Experiment

So many people have told me about this CO washing and how it has really set their hair on fire with softness and body. My hair needs body, but it doesn't need greasy. Ever since I was a young girl and learning to wash on my own mom told me that the conditioner coated my hair and attracted dirt which caused my hair to get dirty faster. And ever since then I've been using Apple Cider Vinegar as a rinse to close the cuticle and add shine and slip to my hair. Plus it works as a fantastic clarifer for the hard water that I've got at home.

So the CO thing was very adverse to me. Just didn't make sense. Still doesn't, but I'm finally going to give it a try. I've been battling flakes around my hairline for ages. Nothing helps except Nizoral. I've been using it for 3 weeks and have seen a real difference. Now that I've got a big gun in my arsenal, I'm willing to experiment a bit and see if the CO routine is good for me and my hair.

So, tonight, Thursday May 20th, I did a CO wash. I used Suave Daily Clarifying Conditioner and I used loads of it. Almost half the bottle. I don't know if that is good, but it didn't feel saturated on my head. The back part of my hair especially felt dry and left out. After washing with the CO, I put some on all the length and coiled it up and shaved my legs. Then I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and combed it smooth. It took quite a long time for the water to run clear. At least I think it ran clear. Then I rinsed with ACV as usual and wrapped that up while I showered. I always leave the actual body cleansing for last so that I wash off the shampoo and ACV on my body. I wanted to even more so tonight with all the conditioner dripping.

I still have my hair in the turbie drying. I'll see how it feels and looks in the morning. Stay Tuned.

Monday, 24 May 2003 Update: I washed again last night after 3 days between the last wash. I might have gotten away with one more day, but I didn't feel like risking looking like a greaseball at work. I did the same routine as before: CO wash, rinse and repeat, leave on while showering, rinse well, ACV rinse and comb out.

I'm not so sure what to expect about this just yet. My flakes have gone for now. My hair feels clean, go figure. I don't know about body, I think it's got a bit more body. And the ends? hmmmm, well I haven't noticed, but they look good now. So, for now, my hair likes CO washes.


Sunday, 20 June 2003 Update:  I'm ending the experiment.  I've used the entire bottle of conditioner (it was a huge bottle too, bigger than their normal size)  My hair isn't that different and I've got to wash more often.  I think the flakes have disappeared because of the season so I'm not convinced the CO washing does anything for me at all.   I'll go back to my usual routine and see if the ends are better/worse and decide.

LHC Party of Five

Went to Dallas this past weekend for a longhair gathering of sorts. It was fun meeting two new ladies along with Teacherbear and Dulci. For all the details, check out the post at LHC. There are pictures too.

I learned some new things.

• Euphraysne showed us how to do the french twist on our long hair. Looks good and with some practice I'm hoping to master it.
• Kate said she's sold on CO washing. Her hair is soft soft soft. She's the latest of the bandwagon and I'm gonna try it too.
• Kate also told about her Split Ender and how she likes it. I've been thinking about this one, and might just go buy it and give it a try.
• I still don't like wine. I got really sick after drinking wine with our dinner. no.more.wine.

Fiesta 2004

We haven't really done a lot of Fiesta events in the past. It's a fun time, but can be so crwoded. There are a bunch of different events you'd think there would be a few that aren't crowded, but it isn't so anymore.

But this year Fran and I took the kids to the carnival. They block off a large section of streets and parking lots right smack in the middle of downtown. There are rides and games and food everywhere. It's a big event and lasts the entire Fiesta - two weeks worth I think it is.

I heard on the radio about the armband pass. Usually the bands are good for Monday-Thursdays, but not this time. You buy the pass before Fiesta for $15.00 and it is good for any day of the carnival. I wasn't sure exactly how much the rides were, but I figured if the rides were $2.00 each, then 8 rides is easy to do by the kids. I bought the tickets hoping to go on the last Saturday of Fiesta.

Fran has always wanted to go to King Williams Fair. It's supposed to be one of the smaller, lesser known festivals. So we plan on going to King Williams Fair around noon and then head over to the carnival when we got tired of King William

A question of length

I'm approaching classic length (that's when your hair reaches just past your butt) and am thinking this will be it. I like my length, it's still easy to care for - I can manage to get the brush all the way through in a sweep - and it is longer than the average person. I like being just a little different, but not overly so. So classic will be my home.

And with that decision, it will require trimming more often than once or twice a year. Besides I'd like to see if by staying at this length whether or not my ends will be any healthier and thicker than what they are now. They look pretty good as is, but can it be better? ah, the constant quest for better, stronger, prettier. sigh.

Caution - under construction

I'm adding commenting features to my pages. I'm looking forward to my pages being a little more interactive. It also has a trackback feature, but I'm not sure if that will be of any use for me. I'd appreciate it if you would leave a comment in a post that suits your fancy. Then I can test this commenting system and see if I've got it set up properly. Thanks for your patience.

Port Aransas Trip

Alan and I are learning to get along. I have to admit the fights are less and not as inflamed. He knows I do not back down anymore.

With all that said, he accomplished a major feat. He got all Bs and even one A for this semester! I was so excited I couldn't believe it. AND to add to the success he also maintained an E for behavior! An E when before he got an N or maybe the bottom of the S. An E!

This past weekend I took the kids to Port Aransas to the Sand Festival. It was a good time, but before we left town, Alan starts copping an attitude. Scowling face, hands folded in front, he wasn't in a good mood. He didn't want to go, he didn't like where he was sitting for the time being, he didn't like me telling him what to pack (and he didn't pack what I told him to pack.) He didn't like where we were eating dinner either. Nothing was going his way, so I set him aside and told him if he preferred he could stay with grandma and the dogs because I certainly didn't want his attitude to sour the trip. I also reminded him that last year he missed out on the coast trip because of his attitude and this year could be a repeat of that. He quickly changed his mind and I got his agreement that he'd try to be happier. For the most part it worked.

I really need to work on his reposnes to me. I'm constantly being told when to hush up by him. I don't like it. We were in line for ice cream and Alan turns to me and does a 'Mom be quiet' to me. I straight out tell him 'you don't talk to me like that. Go sit in the car' and he went without ice cream that night. He didn't bother to apologize either. I was going to talk to him about it later, but decided to let it ride and not dredge it up. But I will save it for reference later.